Has this ever happened to you?

Yesterday I had a lovely time speaking for a local meeting of the National Church Library Association. I was delighted to share with the members why they are my heroes. You see, my own church library provided me with Christian authors who mentored me through their books when I was a teen – and changed my life and spiritual journey in profound ways.

I particularly shared how we may not always get to see the results – but as we are available for God to use, we can trust that He is sharing grace, encouragement, and blessing through our lives.

Yet today I was beating myself up for being a failure – because I wasn’t seeing results I’d hoped for. And I was noticing many others with more skill and more measurable success (even though trying very hard NOT to notice). The performance trap had me in its toothy jaws again. I laughed when I realized I needed to listen to the talk I’d given twenty-four hours earlier.

That happens to me a lot.

I also notice it with my books. Themes develop from my life experience and from passions that God places on my heart. But I often grapple with the concepts in new ways as I edit the book, and again as the book releases.

I BLISSFULLY ripped open an envelop from my publisher yesterday to find my author copy of Restorer’s Journey. How thrilling! And how deeply I needed to remember what I learned from the character who is ready to despair when the calling is much harder and much more unfair than he imagined. I signed copies of Symphony of Secrets yesterday, and thought about my lovely neurotic flutist character – and how her art had become her god. I’ve been wrestling a lot with laying my writing down at His feet (and not snatching it back up again or giving it idolatrous attention). God is teaching me these themes all over again.

I guess it makes sense that I speak and write about issues that I’m still struggling with. That way God gets to do double duty. Primarily, I hope my words bring others encouragement. But at the same time, God speaks the same themes to me and challenges me to grow.

Maybe it’s not a paradox after all. Maybe it’s another example of God being able to use flawed, chipped vessels. Isn’t He great?

Yesterday, in a thoughtful end-of-the-year mood, I peeked at some old journal entry.

Have you ever sensed God nudging you a new direction, but couldn’t quite make sense of it? Weren’t sure if it was leading from God? Felt restless and eager to begin, but didn’t know where to start? Well, this is what I found in my journal from early 2001. At that point, there were still nearly two years of wrestling ahead before I would begin writing my first novel.

“For several years, I’ve felt God nudging me to write. I want to be quickly obedient to God’s leading. But throughout my life I’ve found myself often confused about whether a prompting was actually from God, or pressure from others, or strange compulsions from my own mind.
Not that this excuses my lack of movement in this area.

When I was earnestly seeking God for a new direction…after time of healing and recovering from working for many years in dance ministry… all I heard was “write.” I guess I could have begun to write more regular journal entries…. or even gathered thoughts into articles to submit to magazines as I have in the past.

But as I thought about writing, I couldn’t see a picture of “how” and “when” and “which”…
Did God plan that I would write for Christian magazines, or was I meant to write a book? Fiction, non fiction?

So, paralyzed with very little information, I did nothing.

Well, that’s not quite true. I volunteered in various areas of ministry at my church and many of those areas were heavy, full of struggle and frustration… and little sense of fulfillment.”

The entry went on to describe my floundering experiments with trying to discern what God was stirring me to write, while trying to find ways to serve in the meantime. What comforts me is seeing that back then in my cloud of confusion, God already knew. He already saw late 2002 where I would meet a wonderful group of Christian writers and where He would finally reveal a specific direction and throw open the starter gates and let me run. God also saw 2007, where the whisper-soft call to “write” that made no sense to me in 2001 would further unfold with the release of three new novels.

(I’ll send the full “Highlights of 2007” list to my Book Buddies – so if you don’t get my free Book Buddy ezine – you can read more if you sign up for it at my website.)

Remembering how lost and confused I felt during the years before I began writing, (and honestly, most of the time during the past five years of the writing life, too!) and then seeing what God was able to unfold, makes me want to wrap my arms around everyone who feels confused, yearning, and uncertain today.

Trust Him. He knows the end from the beginning.

I enter a New Year once again feeling befuddled, uncertain, and horribly inadequate. But that’s okay. I’m just a servant in His vineyard, and all I need to do is show up each morning and serve in the corner of the field He sends me to. Whether He sends me to plant, or prune, or harvest, or compost–I pray I can obey with a heart of love. And I pray that for you, too.

In 2008, may God steer us (even when we feel we’re only going in circles) and may He unfold plans of grace and blessings (even when nothing makes sense) and may He quicken joyful obedience in our hearts (even when we don’t see results in our efforts).

Happy New Year!
Sharon Hinck